Got a toothbrush?
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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