Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
