I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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