she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
