Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
