Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Randomize
