so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
