My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
