if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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