Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
