11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
