If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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