Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
