just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
