Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
