you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
