So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
