They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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