Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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