At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
