All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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