I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
