finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
