You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
