there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
