Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
