there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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