I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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