i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
