Jerry, you need to find god
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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