My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
