You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
