I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
