Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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