We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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