Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Your dad touched me again.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
