just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
