Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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