weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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