she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
