well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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