The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
