You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
