I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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