I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
