After last night, I could never be a politician.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
