i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
