perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
