I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Randomize
