After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
