Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
