Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
