is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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