They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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